I Admit, It’s Hard To Stop Parent Shaming
Don’t believe the naysayers. You can still party when you have kids, and you can even do it with them.
- Parent/Kid Relationship
Is Life Over After Having Kids?
- By Avigdor Azamir
Cringing At Poor Parenting Had Been My Go-To. Now I’m Trying To Use These Opportunities To Improve My Own Style.
There’s nothing more natural than having children – and there’s nothing more foreign, especially for those of us who’ve lived colored adult lives. And becoming responsible for helpless children, 24/7, can sometimes feel like you’re charged with a restraining order.
But is your free lease on life really over when children come?
Friends may have warned you, “Just wait until you become parents…” with that brow-raising look that warns of your days of bliss and freedom being numbered. Others may be feeding that guilt pill: “When are you going to settle down and have a family?”
Natural homebodies may have less to risk by becoming parents. But for those of us who love the thrill of late nights and loud music, we can’t help but ask: Will my life be over after having kids?
Holy S#@!, I’m Pregnant – Now What?
I was never one of those women who dreamt of having kids. When I was single, I longed for partnership, but I didn’t put too much thought into those miniature accouterments that somehow people put up with. Having gotten married in my 30s, I’d seen my fair share of what parenting held for my friends. I loved the role of the playful auntie – but I never had biological-clock pangs. Honestly, I thought kids were huge sacrifice that nature preprogrammed us to bare.
I figured it was something I’d eventually get to – but it happened…how do I say, uh….sooner than I planned. And ok, I was in my mid-30s, married, somewhat settled and so the decision was made – we were stepping into the unknown.
I won’t lie – I was riddled with fears. First of all, parenting is all encompassing and it was sure to interfere with our first years of marriage.
Then, there were fears of ever having time for my personal passions – screenwriting. I’d always felt I needed to get my career established before becoming a mom. But there I was, so far from my goal and with a growing fetus to boot. Would it ever happen? Or would I just resign myself to eternally working whatever paid the bills while raising the kids?
And lastly – but definitely not least, was the fear of missing out on the rich, colorful world of parties, music festivals, and carefree escapades. Could that possibly that coexist with parenting?
The Newborn Trenches
There is some common wisdom told to new moms, “Just give it 40 days”…or “Just give it 3 months..the 4th trimester,” – but in my experience, it was 4 months of being in survival mode, trying to return to anything that resembled normal. In the meantime, I wasn’t sleeping because of breastfeeding issues we were having that forced me to pump every 2 hours and feeling like like my body is not even mine. Simply getting out of the house was a chore.
I bless you to be able to enjoy it. To take in the miracle of life. To allow for “no normal” to be the new normal for a while.
With our first child, I didn’t really talk about all these feelings to my husband. But one Friday night, we were walking with our 2-month old past a popping bar, when hen he turned to me and said, “You know, having kids is kind of like being in jail.”
I was shocked to hear him voice what I was feeling. And I was terrified we were in for a life sentence. But, eventually we got through it. And then, we started party-training.
How We Fell into Party-Training
It all started when we took our five-month old on an extended summer trip abroad. We landed right in time for a festival. As we were in a totally different time zone, across the world, our daughter’s schedule was knocked to the wind. So we just started taking her out late where we’d all stay up to 3 AM. And the next morning, she’d sleep in with us.
When we got back home, we just kept with the flow. It helped that both my hubby and I worked from home, and could be flexible with our schedules. Sometimes our 2-year-old would sleep-in until 11 AM.
Ok, It’s Not Always “Partying” Like the “Good Old Days”
Around age 3, our daughter got a bit more complicated – skipping naps, not always sleeping in after late nights. When we did take her out to parties, she wasn’t as flexible. She wasn’t able to pass out on the random couch so readily, and she’d often require a lot of attention, taking us out of our social zone.
So, we don’t necessarily party like we used to. And sometimes I do feel like I’m missing out. But honestly, one or two quality hours out with friends can go a long way these days. I don’t necessarily need to be the last man standing. And still, so long as my kids aren’t being a burden on anyone, I like hanging out with them.
And what do I do with all the pent up energy that would’ve gone to parties I don’t attend? Well, in our home there is also a general sense of “life as a party”. Honestly, it’s the best parental tactic I’ve found. So, we wear costumes to the library and play hide-and-seek while waiting our turn at the post office (the seeker waits in line while the other hides). And sometimes our dinners turn into stage plays, and our living room becomes a disco.
But What About Those Drunken Escapades?
Here’s the truth. As a mom of 2 little kids, I simply can’t go to as many concerts or epic parties or spontaneous bike rides. But something has changed inside me. I still feel FOMO, and I do try to make parties work for us; yet at the same time missing out is a worthwhile sacrifice. Honestly, at this stage in life, some of the most exhilarating moments are at home, with those I love most.
Plus a full night of sleep is so much better than my college-self ever realized. I can wake up at dawn, get a good run in, meditate, then try to spend some time writing before the kids wake up.
Bottom line, life is not over…it’s growing ever-deeper and shifting into new spheres. I’m excited to be on this ride.
